Mohamed ElGohary

"Sorrow – Dark Series #3" by alexandre.hermans is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

I'm a passionate person. I like to put all my weight in discussions that interest me. But I'm getting older, some might call it growing wiser. I now think a lot more about topics that interest me, before putting my whole weight in one. Increasingly, the phrase "I don't give a shit" keeps repeating like a siren in my head. Thankfully that didn't reach Global Voices yet, just not yet. I don't want to. I can't live without my passion.

Ever since I was a kid I had one kind of passion. My first pc when I was four years old, then came reading, and the internet happened in 1998. I discovered like-minded friends, real-life friends, who shared my passion for the internet. Then came internet communities, and that was my passion ever since, my life was never the same.

I like to think of myself as a quiet person, a kind person, a passionate person. I have this kind of energy when I find something I like to do, my face lights like a bulb that turns on like in a cartoon, and bursts of productivity start like fireworks, like endless blasts of lightning. This is my choice of drugs, the adrenaline tsunami inside of me.

There are people I know who don't understand this, and that's so unfortunate.

When I first meet a person I listen a lot. I ask open-ended questions. I like to think of myself after many years online that I can analyze a character from their writing style. "Listening" to text, plus my introvert nature, transformed me into a very patient person.

That also meant that at some point I can be a very angry person, internally at first, leading to a very visibly angry person when the person in front of me doesn't get the hint.

Coming back to not understanding my passion, it is unfortunate. I've worked for corporate before, and I judged people a lot, for my own sanity. Not the usual or standard meaning of judging, but more of, classifying a colleague, a manager, or someone who reported to me. I will keep this understanding to myself, ok, that manager is a moron, I will create this one workflow where I clear my responsibility, do my job, and that's it. No passion here, nothing, no feelings. Just do my job and I won't give a shit what happens to the company for they don't have adequate management, or proper HR department, or colleagues who don't do their job.

This is not the case with Global Voices. When I first started, or even before as a volunteer, it was a personal thing, a new passion that still burns after more than 11 years. I give a shit. I go the extra mile when I can. The problem is that you can't explain this to people who can't feel that way, or even who don't understand that feeling. It is like blowing a faulty balloon, the more you blow, the more your energy is wasted.

At some point, anger builds inside me, and I internalize it. I deal with it by screaming profanities at the screen, by listening to different kinds of music. Music has always been my kind of meditation. The anger disappears, but then it is replaced by frustration, by sorrow, by a heavy heart that keeps asking why. If you don't understand, why not just leave things as they are, live and let live. I keep reminding myself that the world doesn't revolve around me, but I also will be considered rude if I say the same to someone else.

I'm a simple person, at least now. I used to have big dreams, but not anymore, growing old and tired. I feel like a hundred-year-old, and it is not pretty.

I intend to keep this fire and passion burning in my heart for as long as I can. Nothing to worry. I just miss a lot of things, but life is dirty and cruel and unfair, and everyone needs to own their shit.

Please stay safe. Keep your body safe, keep your mind safe, keep your heart safe, because you is the most important for you.

"Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever." by deeplifequotes is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0