In my teenage I was really enthusiastic about things seen by others as trivial, unimportant, or dull, according to the perception of each person. My everyday people whom I see everyday are unfortunately people of trivial minds, who want only to have fun and screw everything else. Screw reading, screw openmindness, screw good music, screw everything which have value in life…in the other hand people who are concerned, are not that available, once every month, every year, or even more, it is like trying to reach the moon by jumping.
I go home everyday or every night, and have a really deep breathe, and think about my feelings toward life. How did frustrations nearly destroys and is still destroying my will to anything useful in this life, and thinking only day by day without any far-sight. The same frustrations which destroyed the far sight planning. What is the value of having a far sight when its use only to prove to others that they were wrong in their judging and controlling after hell got lose and every great beginning is destroyed.
People who love us, esp our family, always try to help up, in their own way. They always try to give, in their own way. Help is considered help when it is given in time. Food is useless when given to a dead man. Facilities are useless when given after complete frustration. What hurts more is that when these facilities are granted after its right time, you are expected to do what they want, or expect you to be complete satisfied and do what you dreamed for. Not feeling all the hell you felt and all the frustrations you experienced before getting this help. It just adds to your frustrations.
Thinking, thinking, thinking. Thinking circulates my brain. I can’t help not thinking about things I experienced, and reanalyzing. Who is wrong and who is right and usually not changing my judgments. I was brought up (unintentionally) to not being attached to any human being, which had double effect. It is easy for me to leave anyone whatever the results were, and it is hard for me to let go of certain people emotionally unless they clearly and directly state their negative side.
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
I usually felt this song for female friends I came close to, esp those who suddenly disappeared for no reasons, some of them who faked their accepting me as a friend also for unknown reason. It was always for only friendship and nothing more, but maybe it is a society fault or something, leading to these kind of personalities. This gives me experience anyway :), even if it was a hard way.
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
And it was just a dream…