Mohamed ElGohary

In the last few days I was informed that someone I knew, knew from a long time, committed suicide. A first time I ever encounter the fact that someone I knew committed suicide. I knew her for a few years back, a normal Egyptian girl, her father died in her early teenage. She told us (we were a group of friends in some online forum) about some issues she suffered with her family after her father death. I loved talking to her and reading her literature at that time, since she was some mature mind among a generation (or a neighbourhood, a circle … you name it) who only cared about the latest boy bands and chick flicks, the usual teenage gossip and stuff most teens do at their teenage. Yea I was/am that kind of nerd.Anyway, this friend disappeared for several months, no one of her friends able to contact her, just no one. Her mobile was on, never answered the phone calls, never answered the texts. So, people stopped caring one after another, until all of a sudden, she appeared in a new look, she got rid of (or ignored, depends on your position) many society restrictions, social wise and religion wise. I personally don't have any issue with friends' choices as long as they don't affect me as a person, as long they don't force their believes. Anyway, as any human noticing an old friend coming back to life, I tried to contact her again, but to my surprise, I was accused of only being curious about the changes. Offended and shocked, I kept my distance, not knowing what to do. I have this soft side for old friends, specially those friends who become close enough that you become comfortable enough to share your valuable privacy.

So from time to time I tried to make sure she was alright, getting surprised from time to time finding mutual friends from outside the online forum circle. Asking them about her and not being surprised that she is away from them as well. Until when I came to the moment I forgot about her that I suddenly know about her death, that she took her life, after three whole months of the incident. At that moment, I didn't know how to feel, too shocked to feel anything. It is just like she disappeared again. It is just like I want to check on her again to find that nearly all of her recent traces deleted.

It is so damn shocking, a person like her whom I thought by her change that she was seeking some sort of freedom, freedom she didn't have at her life, why now? Why after everything is changing at a very high pace? It is so shocking and sad, like a mountain trapping my heart. This never ending question, the question with no answer, added to many mysteries of life…

So after a few days of knowing what happened, I'm listening to this song that also came to my library few days ago, about a friend asking his fellow to remember remembering him, then asking to forget remembering him, with teary eyes, wishing that she knew that I considered her someone, a human, worth knowing. My name is a human…

RIP Walaa Emam…