Being around people favourable to me, though I like being alone. I usually tend to go from that state after a short time in the other. I really don’t understand why. But what really happens is that I’m alone most of the time, not necessarily feeling lonely.
I enjoy myself when I’m among a bunch of new people, but in the same time I feel vulnerable and insecure, fearing a hidden verbal attack unlikely to exit. When I begin to know and feel comfortable about these people, I feel empty with nothing to say. Just listening to their talks. Sometimes while talking, I constantly measure the reflection of my talking making it seem nervous , or weak, or unoriginal, or maybe not confident. I suffer from time to time moments of being at a complete loss, forgetting what I was just talking about especially when comparing a pair of things. So I end up mentioning the same thing twice or at least making the whole thing unrelated to each other.
Sometimes close friends of mine refer to my silence when I’m with them, they it is not rudeness, but it is just a complexity in me, wanting to listen and finding no words to say. I guess I need some psychotherapy.
Despite all this silence in real life, I’m so talkative in virtual ways of communication. Those who know me both online and offline know what I mean. Instant messaging, text messaging and all the hi-tech ways of communication which is superior in “communicating” and poor in showing real emotions. Instead, showing virtual emoticons usually most people don’t believe in their real meanings.